After years and years of being told what you know, at what point do you look in the mirror and wonder if Jesus lives next to Santa Clause in the land of childhood you thought you had figured out?
Nine years in Catholic school is no small feat. Life becomes a box you pich a tent in and wait for cool stuff to walk by. This will never happen because little do you know, the box is separated from the general public. Doctrine embodies the decisions you make to a T and it suits you. For nine years (k-8), the sacraments you learn about in Religion class go hand in hand with the make-up of a cell in Biology.
For this Puerto Rican, "Redneck", Catholic raised in a small town, my questions began when the Church finally asked me what I thought. Years fly by as you color Jesus in kindergarden and memorize the parts of the mass, and then they ask you if you've believed them this whole time. Do I want to be confirmed in the Catholic church? Uhmmm.... is this a trick question? No, my mother would reply. It was my turn to speak for 13 years of kneeling, Eucharist eating, and confessing my sins. Come on, isn't thirteen awkward enough?
So I decided to think. I decided to think. And contrary to popular opinion, most of my friends did actually think about all of these things we thought we knew. Their is a huge misconception about the ritualistic-ness of the Catholic church, or at least in my small section. It became a bigger deal to me than I had originally thought it would. Maybe I didn't believe in God. Or maybe, just maybe, I really did.
For the first time, my head became flooded with what I thought about this whole religion thing. It was a scary thought to think that everything was a lie. I decided to rip apart all that I had believed. For a while, my faith became a song that I was trying to decide if I actually liked--or was did I just like the band that sang it? I often wondered why I had never gone this far into what I thought about the world around me.
Light bulb.
I thought, maybe the black and white had gray areas? I decided to plan out what I believed, and went from there. I decided that the formalities of the Catholic church were a way for me to feel at home with God. I began to defend my Religion--even if I did not agree with every detail. I decided God is where you see him, and no letters on the front door of a church make a difference. God became something that I sought out. I decided to go through with Confirmation, and remain a practicing Catholic. As far as the formalities such as Reconciliation go, I opt out--but have the utmost respect for. I enjoy religious debate and love hearing all points of view. Questioning my box meant turning my back to what I knew, and then folding it up and taking it with me.
